Personal accounts of paranoia

Tom, UK

First of all, i'm really thankful for everyone who's taken the time to share their stories. It comforts me to know i'm not the only person going through this. I've not only felt as if people were laughing at me outdoors, but i've also believed that people on live television and radio were laughing and making fun of me as well. There were also times that i've felt as if everything i did was being monitored for the sake of ridiculing me every time i made a mistake. Every time i err, no matter how large, small or shallow, i litteraly hear airplanes, helicopters and police sirens outside of my house - this tells me that authorities are out trying to catch my stalkers and their high-tech, peeping-tom equipment. Lol I used to think that people were reading my mind, but the Bible says that God is the only Person Who knows our thoughts, so I really don't struggle with that anymore. I also used to think that EVERYONE could see me "live" 24 hours a day, 7 days a week (i know, that sounds bizarre to me just reading it). Here's the funny thing, i've NEVER done drugs or even smoked a cigarette AND my family has no history of mental disorders but my psychiatrists tell me that my disability comes from stress (i was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis in 2000 btw). I've tasted alcohol, but that's about it. Beer tastes like crap to me and whine is semi-crappish. All i drink is water, literally. I've experienced so many coincidences EVERY SINGLE DAY for nearly 2 years that it's sickening! It just makes it all the more difficult to get over my paranoia. But every time i have one of these paranoid thoughts, I now try to fight it by being aware of what's going on inside of me, while remembering all of the other times i've debunked many other negative scenario's that i've "percieved" as really happening and this helps me feel better as a result. If it be in Gods Will, i'll eventually be able to fully condition my mind back into a non-paranoid state with the method i've just described. But if God really wants me to, i'll start taking medication. So, it appears to me that i may be borderline schizophrenic, if i'm not schizophrenic already. I hope this helps someone out there and please don't give-up or backdown! God Bless you all!

Jake, UK

I've pushed away so many people in my life and made work so difficult for myself, for thinking that every last person either dislikes me or talks bad of me behind my back. This firstly came about when I smoked cannabis, and it got so severe I pushed everyone away around me and sat by myself for days on end. Since then I have quit smoking, drinking and anything else that alters my mind. I now compete in Amateur boxing and have never been so happy, on and off spouts of smoking cigarettes or not training seem to bring it on severely. I feel being healthy is the ultimate cure, this doesn't mean getting down a gym etc. just try to avoid anything pointlessly harmful for example: Alcohol, Cigarettes and Constant junk food. I have been suffering seriously the past few weeks as I have been out of training with injury and it had made me realise how horrible it realise it is.

Melissa, USA

When I was a little kid, like most of my friends I've talked to, I started asking myself questions that always confused me. I always wondered what I was. What I was doing here and who I really am and where the voice I was talking in was really coming from, how it was really working. I feel like as we get older we gradually forget about all that because we are to focused everything else going on but I barley ever did anything for a while. I was homeschooled so I usually just sat ad dwelled on those questions which put me in a weird place. Before I was homeschooled though. (For high school) I was smoking weed all the time lots ad lots of it... Actually point is for some reason My highs are justo intense now. Here's a couple examples of some sober paranoia and high ones: Sober: my sober ones tend to turn into pretty bad anxiety. I won't talk to people really I feel to weird or different like they won't like me or something even though I know I'm really cool and funny. I just get quiet usually try to smoke cigarettes and never smoke weed around new people. I feel when I go to go to the bathroom the new people will talk about me as soon as I leave to the mutual friend of ours. Sometimes I'll even try to listen an I feel they know I'm listening so they change conversation. Typing this out I feel like I'm jus fucking crazy. That's another things I'm always wanton to go to a hospital like mental hospital because I always think I'm crazy r I really have something wrong with me. High: I feel like everything around me is so fucking amazing like beautiful and music souds so magical but I think this to the point of where I feel like my boyfriend thinks I'm annoying or super gay sometimes (most) I feel like he thinks I'm fake about what I love and that I'm not into it because I don't know as much as him. I know that it isn't a competition though I just always feel stupid an dumb and like I look really ugly and y mouth gets so dry and that makes my smile look gross I feel like. And I feel like I literally hear people talks hit about me just right there infront of me but I'm never sure if they are actually saying that or what.. Last night I got really fucking high out in the woods in this really awesome spot and the crickets an wind and everything was so loud I felt like I was really listening for the first time I just felt so captured into it. My heart was just like filled up with electricity or something and it was like flowing through my chest connecting me with everything. The first time I wasn't paranoid about someone killing me or watching me I felt like ridiculously peaceful and I felt stupid at some degree because even posting this on here if eel like nobody else has ever hear that before or felt like that. If you have plllllease let me know that'd e amazing because I would love to explain that feeling to someone else. I kind of just want a definite knowing that it did happen.

Sam, UK

Everytime I go outside and walk down the street I am constantly paranoid that people are staring at me and judging me for the way I walk and the way I look. Also when I sit at home at night, all it takes is the slightest noise of a branch hitting the window to set me off into thinking someones gonna break in and kill me so I go into automatic alert mode and usually end up not getting any sleep at all. Sometimes when I work a night shift and get off when its dark out, ill be walking home and be constantly paranoid that someones stalking me or has plans to rape and kill me. What is wrong with me. Sorry if I have some bad grammar I just wanted to get this out there. I often feel like Im the only whos like this. The only disabilities that I have been diagnosed with are reactive attachment disorder, ADHD, & fetal alcohol syndrom. I dont know if its any of them that are a factor in my constant paranoia.

Vicky, UK

Well since I was a child, my siblings and I would try to scare each other by saying there was something in the room, a monster etc... We would be in our beds, lights out & about to go to sleep and taunting each other as "jokes". I think I really started to believe it. I would be scared that something would climb out of this really big, old wardrobe my dad had. So I would check it to make sure nothing was there but had the scariest feeling something was present and watching me. I tried to be more religious by the age of 14 and one evening had the scariest experience. I had just finished reading the bible and said my prayers. I climbed into bed, with my back turned to the door, which was slightly open to receive some light and I saw a shadow appear on the wall and then I believe something proceeded to strangle me. I did not see anything, as my back was turned but i felt the presence of hand around me neck. My body was frozen with fear I could not was horrible. It lasted about 7-8secs and When I called for Jesus it stopped. I turned around and nothing was there....since then I have been soo terrified of sleeping on my own & in the dark. But things got really bad when I stated smoking weed. I was 16/17 and would smoke everyday with my friends. I realise now it doesn't suit me (even though I still smoke on occasion) as I have fallen unconscious after smoking etc... But one time I smoked like ALOT and came home to my empty, dark room. I started to trip out. I believed there were things in my room watching me,which wasn't the case but i was soo afraid. I feel asleep and woke up to the most terrifying thing ever. At around 3am I had a complete hallucination! I believed the left side of my face was melting & my left hand was completely deformed. It was soo REAL it scared the shit out of me. It lasted for about 6-7 secs and then everything switched back to reality. Since that day me life has never been the same. I am now 22 years old. I DO NOT sleep at night & will not be in the dark on my own. Particularly at night, Im always waiting for something to pop out at me. I see things at the corner of my eye and think some demon or monster is there. I use to have really bad nightmares aswell (16/17yrs old). I think things are lurking in the shadows and that I'm not safe. In my normal day to day life it's not as bad. I think people do not really like me (think this is a fact more than paranoia loool) But I'm just in a constant state of paranoia, especially at night. It's horrible. I feel like I need a relationship as well, just so that i can sleep at night....and actually feel safe. 🙁 Really sad when I think about it....22 and afraid of the dark among other things.