When I was a little kid, like most of my friends I’ve talked to, I started asking myself questions that always confused me. I always wondered what I was. What I was doing here and who I really am and where the voice I was talking in was really coming from, how it was really working. I feel like as we get older we gradually forget about all that because we are to focused everything else going on but I barley ever did anything for a while. I was homeschooled so I usually just sat ad dwelled on those questions which put me in a weird place. Before I was homeschooled though. (For high school) I was smoking weed all the time lots ad lots of it… Actually point is for some reason My highs are justo intense now. Here’s a couple examples of some sober paranoia and high ones: Sober: my sober ones tend to turn into pretty bad anxiety. I won’t talk to people really I feel to weird or different like they won’t like me or something even though I know I’m really cool and funny. I just get quiet usually try to smoke cigarettes and never smoke weed around new people. I feel when I go to go to the bathroom the new people will talk about me as soon as I leave to the mutual friend of ours. Sometimes I’ll even try to listen an I feel they know I’m listening so they change conversation. Typing this out I feel like I’m jus fucking crazy. That’s another things I’m always wanton to go to a hospital like mental hospital because I always think I’m crazy r I really have something wrong with me. High: I feel like everything around me is so fucking amazing like beautiful and music souds so magical but I think this to the point of where I feel like my boyfriend thinks I’m annoying or super gay sometimes (most) I feel like he thinks I’m fake about what I love and that I’m not into it because I don’t know as much as him. I know that it isn’t a competition though I just always feel stupid an dumb and like I look really ugly and y mouth gets so dry and that makes my smile look gross I feel like. And I feel like I literally hear people talks hit about me just right there infront of me but I’m never sure if they are actually saying that or what.. Last night I got really fucking high out in the woods in this really awesome spot and the crickets an wind and everything was so loud I felt like I was really listening for the first time I just felt so captured into it. My heart was just like filled up with electricity or something and it was like flowing through my chest connecting me with everything. The first time I wasn’t paranoid about someone killing me or watching me I felt like ridiculously peaceful and I felt stupid at some degree because even posting this on here if eel like nobody else has ever hear that before or felt like that. If you have plllllease let me know that’d e amazing because I would love to explain that feeling to someone else. I kind of just want a definite knowing that it did happen.
