Personal accounts of paranoia


I never thought I would be one of those people that is afraid of going out I mean I heard about being paranoid but never thought it would happen to me so i looked it up. i wanted to know how crazy i was to feel what i was feeling and i came across this site. The stories I read here do in fact comfort me, I really thought I was alone. I was reading Sally's story and I do the exact same thing except for a few things. I would shut my phone off and take out the little chip it carries because I felt people outside where monitoring where I was. I kept thinking they would come in when I was sleeping to take me and lock me up. I checked my lights to see if they worked and checked for cameras, I figured people outside had installed them. I checked my window constantly fearing I was going to get attacked and memorize license plates, the people that came out of the cars, what they where wearing, etc. my family always asked what I was doing but all I could say was that I thought someone was stalking me. It got to a point where I had to have someone check before I got into my apartment just in case something popped out. I checked everywhere even the spaces where a person couldn't fit just so that I knew I was alone and even then I couldn't sleep. The lack of sleep made it even worse to function, I would sit in a corner and scan the room at night trying to keep myself from screaming and crying. Little by little I have been able to go out of the apartment for a few hours but with that knot in my stomach and constantly checking who is walking behind me. The feeling of not being safe anywhere is overwhelming but I do what I can. It helps when I'm around family although ill admit I distrust them sometimes. I know my family would never hurt me but there are times when I get a feeling they are hiding things and sometimes I don't tell them anything for fear that they might go to the people that I feel are out there trying to get me. Being paranoid like this is crazy and when I sit to think about what I'm feeling I tell myself it's absurd but I can't help it. One of the things that also helps me is when I do go out I count in my head or think about a place I would rather be than out walking, if I can't do that I take deep breaths and tell myself I'm almost home and it takes a big load off my mind. Now that I have read others stories I feel like I have a group of people behind me supporting me. I just hope one day I won't have to have anxiety like this and will be able to live life without being paranoid.

Blake, US

I'm constantly terrified of everything. My paranoia is actually getting better too. Several years ago I would sleep in the bathtub because it was the only room in the house with no window ( I was paranoid that I would be shot). Back then I would not leave the house during the daytime because I thought everyone was out to get me. At one time, every Sunday, I would nearly vomit from the stressful thoughts. I would spend my days believing that everyone is out to get me. I disconnected my phone and deleted my Facebook. Im not as paranoid now, but I do everything by the book, and I'm still paranoid that I am going to get arrested for something I didn't do. It's terrifying. I'm afraid of having meaningful conversations with anyone. I think all of my old friends are out to get me. I sleep with a cell phone because I'm scared someone will rob my house while I'm sleeping. I was even paranoid that this website was logging my IP. I found a therapist who has helped me work through a lot of issues, but sometimes it feels never ending. Also, my gf helps out by reminding me that the paranoia is far fetched.

Abbie, US

Why is it I'm always worring somebody will break in and kill me or what if I die while I sleep or in a car wreck. Where will I go when I die, what if somebody breaks in and hurts or kills my kids or grandkids? I can feel myself going Thur these emotions as if it is happening and start crying. I try to change my thoughts but it always comes back. I have gotten to where when I get home I don't even go out and my car sits till I have to go somewhere than I'm find my self going slower than the speed limit. I listen to the radio and or just start thinking crazy stuff and will start crying. I worry that my horses, dogs or cats will burn up if a fire starts in the barn or house and I can't get to them. None if these worries I can prevent from happening if it does happen. I feel like I'm loosing my mind. My hubby tells me it's as I'm expecting something bad to happen to either one of us and I worry to much.

Rick, New Zealand

I was always quite popular at school, I felt people genuinely liked me, through my teens I partied hard and lost my way a bit in my late teens and early twenties. My confidence in social situations plummeted and while I had lots of friends gradually isolated myself from them, moving away from alot of them. If I felt someone suddenly didn't like me or was sniggering and laughing behind my back, I would just distance myself from them. I ended up emigrating and kept trying to make fresh starts. I am now older and more settled but these problems still haunt me, I think everyone hates me, plots against me and laughs at me behind my back, I can no longer even do what is natural and run away from it as I have a wife and son I love dearly, I can't quit my job, I can't move away, I don't have any real close friends. I try to just keep my head down and avoid social contact, but that seems to make it worse, then I try to make an effort and interact socially, sometimes goes well but I feel I open myself up to someones criticism or jibes that sends me back to the dark place. I wish I could go back to when I was young and confident and would eagerly await social situations and thoroughly enjoy them, I feel I am wasting my life being paranoid and depressed, I have lots of things to be thankful for, life is for living and enjoying - how do i do that????

Sam, UK

I started having panic attacks after I was raped at 16 , I took alto of drugs and slept around, my own dad sexually abused my friend in front of me, I have been in violent relationship, and have used alcohol for lomg time, I have depression, social anxiety and paranoia. I wonder if I'm also bipolar. It has dictated how I live my life, there r chapters when I couldn't leave the house, I'd be up all night and sleep all day, I'm a single parent, I have a job as a carer, sometimes I think I will crumble and just can't do it anymore and where is the enjoyment in life. I get paranoid when I'm driving thinking people are looking at me and laughing and they know I'm paranoid and I literally am paralyzed, one time I even thought I'm just gonna abandon the car, I always feel uneasy talking with more than one person at a time, I find eye contact difficult and I always think people know I'm paranoid and they think I'm a freak. I'm such a sensitive pperson, I've even wondered if I'm superior to diagnose other people's thoughts and feelings. Taking my daughter to school and picking up can be a nightmare for me and causes me a lot of turmoil. I wonder what I have done to deserve this, I feel that if I don't learn to cure this then I will have to come back in the next life and do it again instill I have learnt, I feel that my childhood friends arnt really my friends and that they don't really like me, I think my sister and her friends take the pkiss out of me, I have thought that my neighbours know what I'm thinking and laughing at me, sometimes I wonder how I carry on, don't get me wrong there are days that are blissful and I thank the Lord for that, I try to practice mindfulness and yoga. Love a drink though but omg the next day my paranoia is even worse, maybe there is more light and better days to be had before I die, I keep going for my daughter and for those snippets of light that creep through the darkness, if anything I have learnt not to stigmatized mental health and to be empathetic to others and to appreciate what I do have, turn each negative thought into a positive one, don't drink caffeine, be a good person, and we can only try our best to help ourselves and hope that this isn't all for nothing and that we r not experiencing this for our sins in this life or our past lives, peace be with u all, it is comforting to know I'm not alone in all this but at the same token I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy either. Love n light Angel healing to us all xxxxxx