Rebecca, Belgium
I often suspect my friends' motives, even seeing compliments as veiled put-downs. I sometimes imagine them as having constructed elaborate scenarios so they can put me down to my face as a means of bonding with one another. I cling to my partner for reassurance and explanations/ interpretations of others' behavior. He gallantly claims I'd be annoyingly perfect without PPD. I'm overburdening him. Work wise, I've been a temp all my life. Personality clashes happen, not surprisingly, and I want out, rather than to trust that it is possible to come to any understanding. Trust is the hardest thing. I've been in and out of therapy since I was 17. I've learned a lot about the way I think but not how to change it before the paranoia kicks in. My brother, grandmother, and great-aunt were all institutionalized with paranoid schizophrenia at different times during their adult lives. I've stayed sane enough to avoid that but am worried for how long. I moved to a country where I do not speak the language. Being mute enables my isolation and, ironically, graces me with perfect Belgian etiquette--one doesn't speak to strangers here. Talking to strangers back in the US helped meet my need to feel connected to other people. I feel safest when I perceive myself to be in control of the image I project. I fear that people can't really like me once they know me. Every night before sleeping I imagine terrible scenes in which I have to heroically rescue my daughter or my partner. I can feel my heart race. Could I be addicted to adrenaline' Is that part of why I imagine any of these things' My temp is always at least one degree below normal and my blood pressure is very low. I wonder if part of my manufacturing anger/ fear is an attempt to normalize my circulation.
Paul, Wales
I always seem paranoid. I think when i hear people laughing, that they are laughing about me and slagging me off. The television, radio, books, mags all are disclosing personal information about me, like reading my mind. When i cant find something in my home i always think my friends or mother have stolen from me. I hate talking in groups because i think i am being judged by everyone.
David, United States
Since I was in my early teens, I've been concerned that people around me were conspiring to harm me in some way. As a student, I thought it was the teachers - they (as a group) were plotting to fail me in school. At my work, I thought it was my employer and the other employees - they were plotting to fire me. At church, it was the minister and other members of the congregation - they were plotting to kick me out of the church. In almost all circumstances of my life, I perceived someone was out to get me. This always caused me anxiety but my response was to work harder so that they couldn't justify actually completing their plot. (That actually has served me well in life). It never occurred to me that perhaps these thoughts weren't real until they started to get extreme. At one point in my life, I began to believe I was under surveillance by my employer. I believed there were video cameras hidden around work that were monitoring my every move in hopes of catching me doing something that could justify my being fired. I thought they were coming into my office when I was gone and going through my things. I became obsessed with "covering my tracks" (even though I had nothing to hide). I started staying at my office until very late at night - sometimes all night - to keep a watch on my things. The constant stress eventually caused me to get very depressed - at which time I finally sought out treatment. The psychiatrist decided that it was all related to depression and treated me for that. With time, the depression went away and I stopped the treatment. But the suspicious thoughts never really did leave. They still cause me a lot of grief from time to time. But I have learned to try to dismiss them - that is never easy and sometimes almost impossible. I no longer believe them, which helps me function better in all aspects of my life. But that doesn't stop me from constantly thinking them.
Katherine, Canada
I have experienced the ups and downs of anxiety and depression since my teens. I am now in my 30's. I have a medical condition that causes me to have a visible disability, so I know that people do look at me, and I think internalizing that all the time has led to some of my paranoia. Also, because of this disability. I have been quite insecure and especially afraid of failure because I've experienced many disappointments and barriers. That said, I am never able to enjoy my achievements when they do happen. I always seem to sabotage myself when things are going well in my life. My brain kicks into overdrive, and I start feeling like people are watching my every move, determined not to let me succeed. All eyes are on me. Everything is about me. Every conversation I overhear in a public place is about me. Everyone I meet already "knows" me...that sort of thing. When people say "Nice to meet you, I've heard lots about you.", I freak out inside, thinking that everything they heard must be bad. Right now, I'm even paranoid about posting this comment...afraid it will bring me bad "karma"! It is agonizing to go through this every time I get a good break. I recently got a good job, after coming out of a severe depression, and I can't even be proud of myself for it! I'm trying to tell myself that these feelings will pass, once I get familiar with my new job (provided I don't get so freaked out that I defeat myself)...but in the meantime, I have to keep all of this inside.
Anthony, Brighton
I too think that people are laughing at me or talking about me when I pass them in the street. I don't mind if I can find a reason for it, maybe my hair is a mess or something like that, but when there is no obvious cause my mind starts making more and more irrational justifications for the laughter. My favourite one is that there is something about me on the internet that everyone knows about except me. Of course, just because I can never find it doesn't mean it's not someone on the World Wide Web. I think part of the problem is that I think everyone SHOULD like me and so I become overly concerned with what people think of me. This is totally irrational because it's utterly impossible to have everyone like you, some people will just take out their own insecurities on others for the most stupid little things. I would do well to focus more on what I think of me.