I often suspect my friends’ motives, even seeing compliments as veiled put-downs. I sometimes imagine them as having constructed elaborate scenarios so they can put me down to my face as a means of bonding with one another. I cling to my partner for reassurance and explanations/ interpretations of others’ behavior. He gallantly claims I’d be annoyingly perfect without PPD. I’m overburdening him.
Work wise, I’ve been a temp all my life. Personality clashes happen, not surprisingly, and I want out, rather than to trust that it is possible to come to any understanding. Trust is the hardest thing.
I’ve been in and out of therapy since I was 17. I’ve learned a lot about the way I think but not how to change it before the paranoia kicks in. My brother, grandmother, and great-aunt were all institutionalized with paranoid schizophrenia at different times during their adult lives. I’ve stayed sane enough to avoid that but am worried for how long.
I moved to a country where I do not speak the language. Being mute enables my isolation and, ironically, graces me with perfect Belgian etiquette–one doesn’t speak to strangers here. Talking to strangers back in the US helped meet my need to feel connected to other people. I feel safest when I perceive myself to be in control of the image I project. I fear that people can’t really like me once they know me.
Every night before sleeping I imagine terrible scenes in which I have to heroically rescue my daughter or my partner. I can feel my heart race. Could I be addicted to adrenaline’ Is that part of why I imagine any of these things’ My temp is always at least one degree below normal and my blood pressure is very low. I wonder if part of my manufacturing anger/ fear is an attempt to normalize my circulation.
