I have experienced the ups and downs of anxiety and depression since my teens. I am now in my 30’s. I have a medical condition that causes me to have a visible disability, so I know that people do look at me, and I think internalizing that all the time has led to some of my paranoia. Also, because of this disability. I have been quite insecure and especially afraid of failure because I’ve experienced many disappointments and barriers. That said, I am never able to enjoy my achievements when they do happen. I always seem to sabotage myself when things are going well in my life. My brain kicks into overdrive, and I start feeling like people are watching my every move, determined not to let me succeed. All eyes are on me. Everything is about me. Every conversation I overhear in a public place is about me. Everyone I meet already “knows” me…that sort of thing. When people say “Nice to meet you, I’ve heard lots about you.”, I freak out inside, thinking that everything they heard must be bad. Right now, I’m even paranoid about posting this comment…afraid it will bring me bad “karma”! It is agonizing to go through this every time I get a good break. I recently got a good job, after coming out of a severe depression, and I can’t even be proud of myself for it! I’m trying to tell myself that these feelings will pass, once I get familiar with my new job (provided I don’t get so freaked out that I defeat myself)…but in the meantime, I have to keep all of this inside.
