I often have trouble sleeping at night because of paranoid thoughts. For me, paranoia has been a life-long struggle. It started as a child when I was terrified of the dark. I would imagine monsters at the window, or in the air vents. My two brothers did not make matters any better with their constant teasing and trying to scare me.
As I got older, my fear of the dark did not go away, but I could get over it by singing, or sleeping with the television on. I remember having other paranoid thoughts like someone watching me in the mirror. I mean, someone actually behind the mirror, watching me. I would grab a towel and bolt past the mirror…or, even more embarrassing to admit, taunt the ‘people’ staring at me. Actually talk to them.
Of course, the whole time I knew that in reality those mirror people weren’t there, but there was always a conflicting part of my conscience that plagued my perception, and ultimately affected my behavior.
The complex lessened with age until very recently. I had my first child, and, while I am no longer afraid of the mirror people, or the monsters in the dark, I am still unable to sleep for fear of my baby’s well-being.
This may sound common in new mothers, but given my background of skittish scaredey-cat patterns, it is conceivable that I have become a little delusional. I fight with myself every night to not let those thoughts materialize. But they eventually do. I envision strangers breaking in with weapons and threatening my child and myself, and my boyfriend being hurt and unable to help us.
There are thousands of scenarios I have walked through before sleep. It usually takes an hour or two for me to finally go to sleep. But some nights, like tonight, the eerie feeling won’t subside, and every noise alerts me to no end. If my baby wakes up at any time in the hour of 3am, I immediately become scared. This is “supposed” to be the demon’s hour, or something like that, so it is hard for me to get up and go take care of my child! Am I eight years old again’ I am starting to feel tormented and may seek professional help; although, I’m not sure if that is necessary. From what I’ve read, many people have these fears.
I have never talked about mine before. At least not in such length. And I certainly have never admitted to anyone that I was afraid of the mirror. How silly is that’ Still, I am looking for a way to enjoy my new life instead of constantly creating threatening scenarios in my mind, and losing sleep.
