One of the hardest things for me has been friendships and close relationships. I never feel I can trust anyone. I always think they are talking about me behind my back or in the case of relationships running off with someone else and I ruin my life because of it. This makes me scared to be alone I keep pushing away people that I love and that I care for. I know it stems from my past from bullies that I had for 5 years straight and being talked about behind my back all the time being ridiculed because I had a goal in my life. I never thought anyone would ever love me. Yet I fell in love at the age of 17 and I pushed him away because I was always paranoid he would run off with someone prettier, funnier or smarter than me. I’m now 23 and am currently in my fifth serious relationship and after 8 months I can see myself doing it with him too, if he just wants a night alone all I can think is that he’s doing something else, something to hurt me. I’ve tried to hold back my feelings and restrain my paranoia but it’s so hard. I feel like I have no friends, probably I pushed them away somehow too, they organise to see each other and never invite me. If I invite them out they will come and see me but I rarely get invites back yet I know they will have gone somewhere without me just a night before. This is all made worse by the fact I don’t want to push these people away I don’t want to be alone. I want to be happy yet I keep destroying me life and I don’t know what to do.