I tend to generally have a lot of problems at work with my paranoia. Whether it comes to the social aspect of my work, or even my job security – my paranoia is there. More recently (within this past week), people have been doing a lot of whispering, note passing and things like that. Immediately my paranoia tells me that it’s about me and they’re talking about me behind my back. It’s something I have a great issue controlling. I feel horrible, I feel like I don’t matter, and it just makes me feel like crying all the time. I don’t like not being liked, I like social interaction. The paranoia makes me feel like I’m blatantly ignored, not included, or anything. Do I know if these thoughts are rational’ I have no clue. I don’t even know if they even think that. The girls here know I have an anxiety disorder, but in the past few years it’s more like a paranoia personality disorder as opposed to anxiety. My anxiety was mostly resolved with medication (which I no longer take), and counselling. It breaks my heart that I constantly feel this way about everything. My mom doesn’t say she loves me on the phone every time we talk – I constantly wonder if she’s angry at me for something. Work is the only social aspect of my life I really am worried about. I feel as though I’m only barely tolerated. That is the worst feeling in the world.
