I have had depression for nearly 4 years and often drink as a way of dealing with it. I always drink too much and end up doing things I regret. 2 weeks ago I slept with someone and regretted it so much. It is against everything I believe in. But the thing is people my age are always having sex and this isn’t an excuse but I mean people are used to it and don’t really comment on it. I knew itd be different with me. Before I went back to college I was so so scared of everyone constantly talking about me it made me feel physically sick I couldn’t sleep. The worst thing is I know I deserve all the names I get called for it and I no it wasn’t right and im now trying so hard not to drink but it isn’t enough. I don’t no if I’m being paranoid but I already felt like I was always hated and people just put up with me like they were all waiting for me to make a mistake so they can judge me and have a reason to call me thing s . I have always felt like people think this about me and are constantly looking for ways to make me look stupid I think there must be something wrong with me cos if I was someone else people might gossip for a day then get over it. I feel like everyone is against me and I can’t stick up for myself cos i made this mistake so they will and have used it against me. I constantly feel hated by everyone even friends and family I feel they just see me as a joke . I can’t deal with it. I really like someone but I know straight he realises who I am and how everyone sees me he will think it too. I cut myself and it helps but doesn’t solve the problem. I also get paranoid in the dark or if I’m home alone that someone will come and murder me. When I’m with other people and it’s light I no these thoughts are just in my head but feeling like no one likes me feels so real. Mega essay so doubt Anyone will read it but thank you it has done me good to write it all down as it was bottled up in my head and was so so frustrating. Praying for everyone who has paranoia social anxiety and depression xx
