I hate being alone. It makes me panic and my stomach knots up if I know I have to spend a night alone. I can’t sleep for hours and I just cry and go through periods of hyperventilating. I can’t tell anyone because nobody really likes me and although they say they do I can’t trust them because I know they don’t. They’re just saying so out of politeness and because I fit in with their lives when they want me. It kills me to stay silent and when I’m alone I just want to scream. I’m scared of meaning nothing to anyone and I’m scared of nobody knowing the self-loathing that fills my head whenever I look in a mirror. I’m perfectly controlled in public but I can’t shut it out when I’m alone. Even my boyfriend who I spend practically every night with doesn’t know and I can’t open up to him because I can’t trust him because I know he doesn’t love me. He doesn’t even know me, so how can he love me? If I told him any of this, all he’d be able to say is ‘aww, sweetie’ and hug me which won’t fix anything. Nobody will ever believe me about how bad this is but I’m scared that I’ll lose myself unless I tell someone.
