I can’t stop thinking that my partner is recording or listening to my phone calls and can hear my thoughts and conversations with others. As a result I feel very inhibited and isolated. It feels like he is more in control of me than I am. I even question whether my thoughts and agendas are my own anymore, or whether they have been planted there. I “know” that it is 99% probable that people can’t hear my thoughts or plant thoughts in my mind, but I still have a deep belief that it is happening. It’s frightening. I also have strong suspicions that he has recorded us with either video or audio in the bedroom, and I know that he has discussed intimate details with others. It puts me in a double bind with regards whether to stay in or leave the relationship.
In the past I had beliefs that an alien was controlling my thoughts, a belief that it would kill me for eating and being fat, and a strong sense of suspicion about a black van that used to park outside my house. I’ve also been terrorized by some unknown dark malevolent force and thought that it was going to get to me through the TV.
I have Bipolar Disorder and now that my medication is being reduced I realize the vulnerability that being zonked out on medication causes. I haven’t been properly vigilant against things and have been too trusting, have let things happen that I’m not comfortable with. I now accept that past paranoia was indeed paranoia but at the moment I truly believe that these things about my partner are true. It’s almost paralyzing.