I relate to a number of experiences here. Some nights I cannot sleep, no matter how tired, because I am positive someone is in my house and wants to harm my family and I. I hear sounds and try to rationalise them, but always conclude it could be someone opening a door or stepping on the floor boards. I end up turning the TV on in our room and waiting till I fall asleep without noticing.
I also have feelings that people are talking about me constantly in a negative context and that they wish to see me fail in life. I interpret friends not contacting me for an amount of time as them avoiding me. This might actually be rational if I didn’t think it of nearly every friend I have. I interpret situations as if someone is belittling me. I often try to be a high achiever almost as a way to reassure myself I am capable and can be recognised as a person who achieves a high status – but often I ruin my own chances by seeing everyone as competitive and wanting to take over.
I think that my husband’s family constantly plot against me and don’t want anything to do with me.
I’m not sure what’s real and what’s not anymore. I even have strong beliefs I will get a terrible illness or that I will have a car accident. I think about my funeral and I obsess about who I want and who I don’t want to be there. I obsess about the details of something that will be out of my hands, like the music to be played, the venue, the burial.
The worst thing is watching this happen and almost knowing it’s not real but yet the paranoid me, always has an explanation for why my paranoid thoughts are *not* paranoid. I’m really not sure how to deal with this anymore because it rules my every interaction with every person I meet.
It seems ridiculous that every person I come into contact with, would want to talk about me negatively to great lengths. I was even amazed the other day to voice that I thought a bug could have been placed in my house due to a friend making a comment related to a private conversation at home with my husband.
I think in some ways, it is comforting to know that I’m not entirely alone. Unfortunately my paranoia has sometimes been spot on, which leads me to further believe that I have a ridiculous ESP ability. I need to get rid of that idea and start addressing the fact my thoughts are paranoid.
