I started having panic attacks after I was raped at 16 , I took alto of drugs and slept around, my own dad sexually abused my friend in front of me, I have been in violent relationship, and have used alcohol for lomg time, I have depression, social anxiety and paranoia. I wonder if I’m also bipolar. It has dictated how I live my life, there r chapters when I couldn’t leave the house, I’d be up all night and sleep all day, I’m a single parent, I have a job as a carer, sometimes I think I will crumble and just can’t do it anymore and where is the enjoyment in life. I get paranoid when I’m driving thinking people are looking at me and laughing and they know I’m paranoid and I literally am paralyzed, one time I even thought I’m just gonna abandon the car, I always feel uneasy talking with more than one person at a time, I find eye contact difficult and I always think people know I’m paranoid and they think I’m a freak. I’m such a sensitive pperson, I’ve even wondered if I’m superior to diagnose other people’s thoughts and feelings. Taking my daughter to school and picking up can be a nightmare for me and causes me a lot of turmoil. I wonder what I have done to deserve this, I feel that if I don’t learn to cure this then I will have to come back in the next life and do it again instill I have learnt, I feel that my childhood friends arnt really my friends and that they don’t really like me, I think my sister and her friends take the pkiss out of me, I have thought that my neighbours know what I’m thinking and laughing at me, sometimes I wonder how I carry on, don’t get me wrong there are days that are blissful and I thank the Lord for that, I try to practice mindfulness and yoga. Love a drink though but omg the next day my paranoia is even worse, maybe there is more light and better days to be had before I die, I keep going for my daughter and for those snippets of light that creep through the darkness, if anything I have learnt not to stigmatized mental health and to be empathetic to others and to appreciate what I do have, turn each negative thought into a positive one, don’t drink caffeine, be a good person, and we can only try our best to help ourselves and hope that this isn’t all for nothing and that we r not experiencing this for our sins in this life or our past lives, peace be with u all, it is comforting to know I’m not alone in all this but at the same token I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy either. Love n light Angel healing to us all xxxxxx
